What am I supposed to do with my life?

This has got to be the most common question people ask me: “What am I supposed to do?”, “What should I do?”, and “What am I supposed to do with my life?”  It’s so common that I often get people worrying about this on behalf of others (including their adult children).  As a coach and trainer, I’ll tell you that there’s no cookie-cutter answer.  And as someone who has wondered this before, I can relate and am happy to share what I’ve learned with you.  Something as important as this deserves deeper conversation.  There’s no quick and easy process to figure it out.  So if that’s what you’re looking for, this is not the right place for you.  But if you’re serious about doing some reflective work connecting with yourself, then this post can offer you some things to consider and maybe some help.

Only YOU can answer the question of what you’re supposed to do with your life. Each of us is different, so the answer is different for each of us.  Some of us may clearly know our direction while others stumble across a pleasantly unexpected (and perfect) path.  As you reflect on it, consider these questions and topics below.  This post dives further into each one.

1. Why are you asking THIS question?  And why does the answer matter to you?
2. What do you WANT to do with your life?
3. There may be new options emerging that haven’t existed in the past
4. What brings you joy?
5. Tips for determining your path in life

Why are you asking THIS question? And why does the answer matter to you?

The way this question is worded implies to me that you believe that there’s a right answer as to what you’re supposed to be doing with your life. Let’s understand that first, because that reason is going to impact your ability to be honest with yourself.

Why did you ask: “What am I supposed to do with my life?”

• Is there an urgency with time? Do you have an immediate time constraint (or pressure) to figure out your next steps?
• Do you have a need for certainty or stability, so you feel like you have control over your direction in life?
• Does the answer have to be good enough for someone else’s approval, such as your parents or your partner?
  • If others don’t approve, are you afraid of being judged or rejected altogether?
• Do you just want someone to tell you the answer? That way if you’re not happy, it’s easier to blame someone else?
• What other reasons may have impacted your question to include the words “supposed to do”? Take time to let the answers bubble up for you. You may not know all of the answers top of mind, and that’s OK.

There’s nothing wrong with how you worded your question, but I do want you to understand that for you to get the best possible answer (that is right for you), you have to be 100% aligned with your decision and take responsibility for it. I can attest to that from a few different perspectives:

• working with others,
• my own personal experience, and
• from the #1 Regret as listed in Bronnie Ware’s book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, which was: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

What do you WANT to do with your life?

So, do you have an idea of what you want to do with your life?

• Yes?  Fantastic!  So, what’s stopping you?
  • Have you been told that your idea is unrealistic? Or, do you not know how to go about pursuing it? Does what you want seem too hard? Or, do you think you’re too old or unqualified to do what you want? These sound like personally imposed limitations. I don’t mean to be harsh – just direct: You are stopping you. No one knows exactly how they will achieve anything in life. They take one step at a time and determine the next one based on what’s in front of them. It’s like driving a car towards a destination. You have a plan, a chosen route, and an estimated time of arrival. But it’s not until you’re on your way that you know what traffic’s like, what the weather’s like, and if the car’s in complete working order. Any one of these (or something altogether unexpected) can impact your route, timing, and even your destination. You may get detoured to another destination altogether, or simply change your mind about where you’re going!

• No, you don’t know?  That’s perfectly OK.
  • Most of us don’t know. Often, we’re too busy censoring ourselves, doubting ourselves, or guarding against dangers to let ourselves dream. For most of us, the older we get, the more realistic we think we need to be. Realistic is simply code for “low in probability of success” and so we stop before even trying. We may lack confidence, have low commitment, or fear failure and judgment. Realistic becomes synonymous with Pessimistic, and they are not the same thing! We often believe that by avoiding failure, then we avoid pain. But the pain of living an unhappy or unfulfilled life outweighs any temporary experience of failure. Some of us are forced to learn that the hard way. If this article can help you understand this, then it’s already been worth the read. There’s no guarantee of success, but not trying is certain guarantee of failure.

There may be new options emerging that haven’t existed in the past

I remember about five years into my corporate career, a friend mentioned an article he’d read that stated that technology is changing so fast that there are emerging careers for which there are no college programs (or academic curriculum) that map to them. So if you go to college and think that your options are limited by your major, that would be mistaken. What may be right for you may not exist yet. In fact, maybe you’re the one who paves the way for a new lifestyle or career.

When my Dad was in college (in his home country), there were only seven majors to choose from to pursue a professional career. Everything else was considered a vocation. Forty years later, when I was in college (in the U.S.), I’m sure there were tens (in not hundreds) of college majors to choose from.

From a technology perspective: When I was in junior high, most families didn’t have a computer at home. I didn’t have a laptop until I was out of college and in my corporate career. Smartphones didn’t come along until my mid- to late twenties, and now I have conversations through my watch! Who ever thought that being an online Influencer could be a job and is accessible to anyone with a smartphone?

What brings you joy?

You may have heard Joseph Campbell’s “Follow your bliss.” And you may have even thought: “Life’s not that easy!” It may not be easy, but it can be simple. Living in joy and leading a fulfilling life will continuously fuel you, make you so focused that you lose track of time, and help you live a life in which you’re positively contributing to your community, environment, and those around you.

Do you know what brings you joy – those things that bring an undeniable smile to your face and moments of internal fulfillment?  Is it telling funny stories? Or do you prefer mysteries? Is it fixing things? Do you like shopping and helping others express themselves through their clothes? Are you highly competitive to the point that it’s hard for you to get along with others? Do you enjoy collaborating on teams, or do you like to work independently? Do you love exploring uncharted territories? Are you good at translating complex concepts in a way so that’s easy for others to easily understand?

Who are you and what brings you joy? Write these things down. Keep a running list. If you don’t yet know what to do in your life, do what’s best for you for now. A path will unfold as you follow the clues and create a life that brings you towards the direction that fulfills you and the people who support you.

Side note: Let me be clear though… Don’t confuse feeling joy and fulfilled with being distracted and avoiding discomfort and pain. When feeling joyous and fulfilled, you'll feel confident even in uncertain and uncomfortable situations.

Tips for determining your path in life

• Don’t focus on the How
  As mentioned earlier, many convince themselves out of what they want in life because they don’t see How what they want is possible. Again, you don’t know who you’ll meet, what you’ll learn, or what opportunities will present themselves. Like playing a game of Hot and Cold*, your job is to move towards the things that are getting warmer (and closer to Hot).

  • Accidents happen all the time
    Have you ever had an experience where something didn’t work out for you but because of it, you met a new friend, made a contact that led to an opportunity, or you learned something pleasantly unexpected about yourself? One “Oops” can lead to your Life’s Purpose.

  • Careers are being created everyday
    Remember, as technology and social needs evolve, new roles and careers will be created to meet emerging needs.

    *  Hot and Cold is a childhood game where one person hides an item and others have to find it. Players know whether they’re getting closer to the hidden item if they’re told that they’re getting “warmer”. They’re getting farther if they’re told that they’re getting “colder”. The goal is to get “warmer” and ultimately find the item.

• Be patient with yourself and practice self-compassion
  Adding pressure to yourself to come up with an answer for such a big question is only going to block you. Think about it… do you do better when doing something at ease on your own or with someone over your shoulder and nagging you? In fact, studies show that having patience and compassion for yourself will actually help you do better over time. Those who practice self-compassion are able to overcome discomfort more quickly and move forward. By beating yourself up, you’re adding double the pressure on yourself (1. for not knowing and 2. the unnecessary additional pressure of being frustrated with yourself for not knowing), which hurts you and delays the process. Be kind and patient with yourself. You want to help yourself as much as possible.

• Learn to listen to and trust yourself
  Each of us has an inner guidance. Whether you call it instinct, intuition, your soul, or a gut feeling, there are times that your intellectual thoughts conflict with your inner message. When that happens, which one do you go with?

  If you’re unfamiliar with this inner guidance, I invite you to practice periodically checking in with yourself regarding all sorts of topics to see if you can sense this internal feeling bubble up. It may be harder for us who are over-thinkers or over-analyzers. It’s an opportunity to shut our brains off for periods at a time and practice being more present, mindful, and aware of the moment (instead of projecting into the future). This inner message sometimes gives us a sixth sense that our minds can’t know (since our minds are relying solely on logic and are constrained by their own beliefs).

  Taking a step back, I actually encourage you to develop a relationship with yourself… One where you’re periodically checking in with yourself, asking yourself these questions, and really getting to know yourself. I’ve found that most of us may invest the time to be in relationship with others, but don’t know ourselves. Practicing knowing yourself, your feelings, your needs, your values, and wants will help you determine what direction to move towards in life in a way that’s right for you.

• Be open to the fact that your path may change (again and again) over time
  This post is not job- or career-specific. People ask this question at all stages of life and at all ages. However, looking at work and career statistics in the U.S., on average, workers change jobs 10 to 15 times. They change careers three to seven times. Many workers spend five years or less in every job. So, most people are in a state of uncertainty – constantly either learning a new job or being dissatisfied with the current one and wanting to change to a new one.

  What you want may change over time, so whatever you decide to do in your life will likely change. For me, I’ve learned that I like growth and variety. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I like jobs and activities that give me lots of different types of tasks to do and I know that I’ll likely want to evolve into something else as time goes by. As you develop the skills to decide your path, keep them in your back pocket as you will likely need them again and again.

• If you want help, there are many people you can turn to
  You’re not alone. Asking what you’re supposed to do with your life is a common question. It’s also a deeply personal one. To get to what’s right for you, you’re going to have to do some personal reflection, likely make some hard decisions, and put in the work. You may decide that you want some support. If asking yourself these types of questions is not something you’re used to, you’re certainly going to want to talk to someone who can give you outside observations and perspective. You can seek mentors, interview people you admire, read up on topics, talk to friends, or even find a coach. Whatever you decide, just remember to check in with yourself regarding what that person tells you. Depending on the person, their input may be biased based on their life perspective and/or their relationship with you. This may be OK for you, but something for you to keep in mind.