"I'll have what She's having... "
My 4 Takeaways from this one scene in “When Harry Met Sally”
This week is the 30-year anniversary of the classic: “When Harry Met Sally” – the Oscar-nominated movie written by Nora Ephron and starring Meg Ryan (Sally) and Billy Crystal (Harry).
Now if you’ve seen this movie, I bet you’re still laughing in your head about the scene where Sally (very publicly) demonstrates to Harry how women can deceive men. It’s not my intention to jump in on exploring the topics between men and women, but that scene does make me think… No, not what you may be thinking... It’s what happens right after, when an onlooker says to the server: “I’ll have what she’s having…”
If you’ll indulge me, explore these four topics with me:
- “_______________ by example”
- How we compare ourselves to those around us
- What am I willing to do differently to have what they have?
- What (in my life) will enable me to feel that way?
1. “_____________ by example”
Fill in the blank with the word of your choice…
- Living by example
- Leading by example
- Inspiring by example
- Influencing by example
- Teaching by example
- … and so on
Focusing on Sally in that scene, she’s in the moment. She’s focused on the conversation and making her point, with no concern for those around her, their thoughts or their reactions. That’s not to say that she’s being insensitive; there’s no intention to hurt anyone else. She’s just doing her thing.
And when we do that… dare to be our authentic selves (despite the potential thoughts or reactions from others), by example, we’re saying “You can do this too.”
From the onlooker’s perspective, when we witness someone take an action, it helps normalize that action for us. It makes that behavior seem closer and more accessible to us. It makes it one step closer to “Hey, I can do that too.”
The rest of my thoughts are from the perspective of the onlookers – not Sally.
2. How we compare ourselves to those around us
Unfortunately, it’s common for us to compare ourselves to others. It starts when we’re young. We want to know if we’re normal, or how we stack up. We want to be “accepted by the tribe” and want to “fit in”.
Socially, it’s a form of self-preservation. The logic is: “If I’m part of the tribe, I belong, and no one will attack me. Phew! I’m safe!” Even further: "The tribe will protect me from other dangers." However, that safety becomes our self-imposed mental prison that scares us into conforming and compromising who we are. Add in technology, and the opportunities for us to compare ourselves grows exponentially… and not just to the people we see around us everyday, but to a stranger around the world – or worse, to a person who we think is real but doesn’t actually exist!
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
- Theodore Roosevelt
Back to Harry, Sally, and the onlookers in the restaurant, I immediately think about the woman who says “I’ll have what she’s having…” It’s a funny line, but what she’s really saying is “I want to feel how she’s feeling. If I have the same thing, then I'll feel that too.”
And people do that all the time! They think that "If I look like them, or have what they have, or know who they know, then I’ll feel like they feel." But it’s faulty logic and leads me to thoughts #3 and #4.
3. What am I willing to do differently to have what they have?
Sometimes we think “I want that.” or “I can have that.” or “Why them (and not me)?” But, are you willing to S-T-R-E-T-C-H your thinking and your actions? Are you willing to speak up? Stand up? Challenge your beliefs? Experiment? Make mistakes? Act? If you keep thinking, feeling, and doing the same things as you always have, you’re going to get the same results… and they won’t be anywhere near what you’re observing (or wishing you had) in others.
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”
- Albert Einstein
So, the next time you’re impressed by the accomplishments of others and wish that was you – whether it’s things they’ve done, things they have, or qualities they’ve developed… REALLY look at what that person did differently to achieve or have that.
How did they think and what did they do to achieve that? Are you willing to stretch to think and act similarly (no matter what the cost, sacrifice, or what anyone else may think or say about you)?
4. What (in my life) will enable me to feel that way?
From #2, we know that what we're really after is the feeling we're observing in others. And from #3, we know that we're going to have to change something within us (e.g. our thinking, beliefs, actions) to get different results.
So if we see someone like Sally in a restaurant and want what she's feeling, do we really want what she has? Maybe Sally's (orgasm-inducing) pie, is not a flavor you like. Maybe you like savory over sweet. Or, maybe you get excited (not about food, but) about music.
So maybe observing someone else inspired you to S-T-R-E-T-C-H yourself. You're now aware of what you want to feel. What in your life would you need to think or do differently to have that feeling? One person's "being famous" is someone else's "quiet alone time", and someone else's "college acceptance letter" is someone else's "cross-country road trip".
The next time you think "I'll have what she's having...", know that the desire for something different has been triggered within you. Now, that's an invitation to do something different to satisfy that desire... just be sure it's going after something that's going to satisfy you.
