2 Ways to think about: How to be Resilient

Resilience is one of those qualities that you don't think about until you really need it. You may be experiencing severe stress, loss, fear, and/or even pain. But the fact that you’re intentionally reading up on resilience means that you’re on the upswing. Your focus is on recovery and getting back to your normal (or bouncing back to something even better). That’s already one step towards developing resilience.

Resilience is the capacity to bounce back from difficulty and setbacks, and it’s a skill that you can practice, develop, and strengthen. Being resilient refers to the ability to continuously recover from ongoing or multiple challenges. To be more resilient, there are two major factors:

1. How to recover quickly during setbacks
2. How to remain steady in the face of adversity

One is about bouncing back in the midst of difficulty, and the other is about keeping you centered despite what’s going on around you. Both contribute to developing your personal resilience.

Why is Resilience important

When stressed or hurt, you’re not at your best. The quality of what you do, the way you treat others, and even your thinking suffers. You’re more likely to make mistakes, negatively impact others and the environments you’re in, and create more challenges for yourself – compounding the stress on you. Human beings aren’t designed to sustain stress for long periods of time. Your mental, emotional, and physical health may be at risk.

Resilience is important because it’s the skill that helps you get back to your normal as quickly as possible. The emphasis is on two things: 1) getting you back to your normal (or better), and 2) minimizing the recovery time.

1. How to be Resilient in the middle of major stress or setback

When you're in a tough situation, the focus is on getting you back to your normal self in the quickest and healthiest way possible. That process is different for everyone. You’ll need to explore your personal resilience and determine what works best for you. But if you’re stressed and hurting, and want to bounce back to a healthier (and happier) version of you, do the following:

• Accept what is and whatever has happened

  The most common thing holding people back from moving forward is an unwillingness to accept what is. This includes denial, dwelling on the past, playing ‘what if’, an insistence to understand, a desire to blame, or the self-punishment of guilt. I get it. There are things you may not want to let go of or feel unworthy to walk away from. Whatever the thinking is, it’s keeping you tied to something that’s already happened (and unchangeable), and thus unable to recover. You need to find a way to accept that the event and/or your thoughts about it are keeping you stuck and hurting you.

• Create some distance between you and your stress and pain

  People are often hyper-focused on fixing things. They believe that obsessing on problems will spark a solution. Or worse, they make it personal. They blame themselves for not being good enough, smart enough… “fill-in-the-blank” enough. Don’t make the situation personal. Yes, even if it’s technically your fault, stewing in shame, guilt, and unworthiness isn’t helping you or anyone else.
  Create a little distance from the situation to give yourself some breathing room from it. It’ll be healthy for you, and in time will give you different perspectives. That space will allow some of the stress and pain to flow out, and new thoughts and ideas to flow in.

• Give yourself permission and space to deal with your emotions

  Though the emphasis of resilience is on getting you back to your normal, it’s not at the expense of your health. Give yourself permission to explore your feelings about what’s going on for you. Not just the anger and pain – explore other feelings like fears and insecurities too. Consider outlets like drawing/painting, journaling, building, sewing, and even cleaning. If you want, find people and resources to support you. At the same time, understand that working through your feelings is not a pre-requisite to moving forward. In many cases, you can start the emotional work and continue in parallel to taking other steps forward.

• Take inventory of previous challenges (and wins)

  Things are tough now, but chances are you’ve dealt with adversity before. How did you get through those times? Are there things you did or qualities about you that you can leverage to help you now? If you didn’t handle some of those circumstances well, what did you learn that you can do differently? Or, if this situation is new or so completely foreign to you, can you do a little research? Read up on how others have handled this challenge. Meet up with others and discuss how they moved forward. (Just a note of caution here: Your recovery to who you’re going to be after this situation has passed is personal to you. There’s no ‘one-size-fits-all’ solution in resilience. Figuring out your process forward is part of your personal growth.)
  Your inventory doesn’t have to be about just your previous challenges. What about your previous wins or successes? Any unexpected (and pleasant) surprises? Go ahead and take inventory of your talents, strengths, and skills. You’ll remember that there’s more to you than what you’re going through. If you really want to bounce back, you’ll find that you already have pieces to help you push forward. And with momentum, you’ll have what it takes to persevere.

• Consider the opportunity within the challenge

  You may not want to see it now, but could what you’re going through actually be helping you? Is there an opportunity or new idea in the midst of what’s happening to you? Could it actually be happening for you?
  Depending on what you’re going through, this may be the farthest thought from your mind. Just take a moment to entertain the idea. Could this challenge be showing you that you’re greater, smarter, or stronger than you ever thought you were (or could ever be)?
  Part of being resilient is the quick bounce-back, and that happens more quickly when you learn to cut-to-the-chase of the benefit (or hidden gem) in the pain.

• Focus on what you can do

  This is the most critical step. Now that you’ve accepted the situation for what it is, created a little space between you and the situation, you’re clearer on your feelings about it, you have insight on how to deal with it, and you’ve considered that there may be an opportunity in it, what can you do given where you are?
  This is not the time to go in reverse and dwell on what was. Given the situation right now, what constructive options can you think of? Save your mental, emotional, and physical energy for moving forward. The only things that matter are: 1) right now and 2) the future that right now helps create.
  Solely focus on what you can do. Don’t wait on or blame anyone or anything else. External circumstances are beyond your realm of control. What can you do now? Decide on the best path for you, step forward, and stick with it. Only look forward and focus on what you’re doing now and where you’re headed.

• Understand that you will have other stresses and setbacks

  Developing resilience is about being able to repeatedly recover from setbacks. Ideally, each recovery period is shorter than before. And the only way to know whether you’ve become resilient is to be faced with a challenge again (and again). When that happens, you’ll have this experience to draw on. Can you bounce back again? If so, will you recover more quickly? Depending on how it goes, you’ll have a better understanding on how you’re doing with building your personal resilience.

2. How to practice Resilience & remain steady in the face of adversity

Though your original question was about ‘How to be Resilient’ (meaning to how to bounce back quickly and easily), it's likely that your underlying question was really about ‘How to stay steady in the midst of stress, challenges, and adversity’. That is, how do you stay unaffected (no matter what’s going on) and avoid the need for recovery and resilience in the first place? Part of developing your personal resilience is creating a strong, personal foundation for yourself. Similar to eating healthy foods and staying fit, there are things you can do to be better prepared for when hard times hit you. The healthier you are and the better habits you have, the better your chances for getting through things more easily.

So when things have leveled off for you (or are at least manageable day-to-day), these are the strategies you can practice to develop your personal steadiness and strengthen your resilience.

• Create and practice healthy habits

  Some of the actions included in the previous section may seem really hard or nearly impossible – like “You want me to just accept it?” or “Don’t blame someone?” or “Don’t focus on external circumstances?” But they seem so because you’re just doing what’s natural to you – your habits. Each person has tens of thousands of thoughts a day and about 90% - 98% of those thoughts are the same ones as the day before. Essentially, you have a lot of momentum built up towards focusing on problems or beating yourself up. And just like building up an exercise regime, there are daily habits that you must practice. Think of these as helping you building up your balance, strength, and flexibility.
  • Accept what is – The focus here is to make sure you’re dealing with what’s in front of you (now) and what you’d like to see happen (future), so that you can think, feel, and act accordingly. It’s not about apathy or giving up on things that aren’t just, fair, or right. It means not dwelling on things that can’t be changed. It’s healthier for you to focus on your present, your future, and things you can do something about.
  • Create distance between you and problem situations – Unfortunate things happen. Whether an accident, a misunderstanding, a betrayal, a wrong-doing, uncomfortable or hurtful situations are sometimes unforeseen and unavoidable. Seeing those things as a personal attack or threat weakens your position to be able to do anything about it. If you’re angry or scared or trying to deal with something while drowning in pain, you’re opening the door to making the situation worse. How can you constructively defuse the power behind what’s hurting you? Give yourself a break and a little distance to look at situations from different perspectives.
  • Give yourself permission to explore your feelings – People often want to avoid feelings. They’re messy, unpredictable, illogical, and complicated. They’re also you’re internal GPS system guiding you to what’s right for you. People take advantage of your feelings everyday – advertisers, salespeople, friends, co-workers, family members. They’ve learned your soft spots and how to speak to you in a way that you’ll react the way they want you to. You might as well learn to tap into your own feelings, learn from them, and make them work for you.
    If you want to be steadier and more stable in your day-to-day life, get comfortable with knowing and exploring your feelings. They’ll not only give you greater insight on a day-to-day basis, they’ll be easier to deal with when times are hard.
  • Focus on what you can do – As part 2 of ‘Accepting what is’, there’s no benefit to dwelling on things beyond your control. Doing so will only make you feel weak and powerless, and doing that repeatedly will unhealthily influence your beliefs about what you can and can’t do – or worse, what can or can’t be done in general. It can be a self-defeating cycle.
    No matter the situation, you have agency over your part in it – whether your thoughts, perceptions, feelings, reactions, or actions. You may not be able to control the outcome, but you can control what you choose to focus on. Those thoughts, feelings, and beliefs will gain momentum, can strengthen you, and positively inspire others.
  • Look for things to appreciate – Part of shifting towards more steady ground is trusting that the ground is steady underneath you. Most people’s habits are on focusing on problems, challenges, and barriers. They take what’s going right for granted and put the spotlight on what seems to be going wrong. And if you really look it, on a day-to-day basis, the good really does outweigh the bad. Move the spotlights towards highlighting the good.
    Create a habit everyday to intentionally notice what’s going right. Some days it’ll be big things, and some days it’ll be hard to find something small to appreciate. But I guarantee you that if you take time to do this every day, two things will happen: 1) it’ll be easier to spot things to appreciate and make you smile, and 2) you’ll find more and more things to appreciate every day.

• Get clear on your needs

  Emphasis here is on your needs. Get 10 people in a room and they will all have different needs. One will need alone-time to focus and process, while another needs to have some music or background noise. One will want visuals to digest a concept while another needs hands-on experience to understand. What specifically do you need? Not, what are you willing to settle for? It’s not often that someone asks you that, eh? Or worse, it’s not until you’re out of sorts or derailed that you even recognize what your needs are.
  Get curious about yourself and get clear on what you need. What time is best for you to wake up? Do you feel better if you have breakfast or not? What kind of breakfast? What do you need to feel energized about your day? What do you need in your conversations with others – for them to listen? …for them to take the lead in the conversation? …for them to ask questions? …for them to give you feedback? Start taking notes on yourself and make a list of what you need to function at your best.

• Ensure your personal needs are met

  It’s not enough to know what your specific, personal needs are. Make sure you’re doing what you must to ensure those needs are met. To be clear here, I’m talking about your needs – not your wants or preferences. Not meeting your needs weakens you. You may become irritable, unbalanced, or sick if they’re not met. Meeting your needs on a regular basis has to be a priority – not something you put on the backburner for when it’s convenient. Practice self-care. Set and enforce boundaries. Say no more often.
  Identifying and meeting your needs is the most basic layer of your foundation for happiness and personal success. You have to have a strong foundation to develop steadiness and resilience.

• Get clear on what strengthens you and practice that every day

  Beyond some new daily habits, shifts in focus, and strengthening the most basic level of who you are, get clear on what strengthens you. Again, get curious about yourself. But this time, don’t look at what weakens, discourages, or deflates you. Look for the things that make you smile, make you happy, make you feel strong and inspired. Is it something you do? Is it a way of thinking? Is it a project that you’re working on? Or is it how you interact with and influence others? Find ways to bring those thoughts, feelings, and activities that fuel you into your day-to-day. That’ll help you build your steadiness and strengthen your foundation for day-to-day life and for those moment you need your resilience.

In summary

Resilience is a choice. Bouncing back to a healthier, stronger version of you is something that you have to want. It’s a skill that can be learned and developed, but it does take effort, time, and practice.

There are two approaches to developing your personal resilience:

1. Learning to recover during adversity
2. Strengthening who you are in order to remain steady in the face of adversity

Working on both will make you more resilient. Overall, developing resilience comes down to creating habits to:

• Accept that you can’t change the past.
• Separate the situation from your identity and your thoughts about what going through this adversity says about you.
• Develop a healthy relationship with your feelings.
• Explore strategies to recover in a healthy way that works for you and your needs.
• Be open to opportunities for learning and growth from situations.
• Focus on constructive paths forward and what you can do now to positively affect your future.
• Strengthen who you are in your daily thoughts, feelings, and actions.
  • Practice gratitude and appreciation.
  • Identify your needs and prioritize them.
  • Do things that energize and strengthen you.